In typical old man fashion I nodded off in my chair today
my dream was about Her, the fear was in me that Her name
was lost to me, as was her countenance was long ago. No,not the pet name used for teasing Her, the actual birth name
the one to use if ever I should search for Her.
Decades have past since I saw Her, She wanted a caveman,
said so with music, no doubt to leave no doubt of why were parting,
not a vague and mild-mannered Thurber-esque man like me.
There were rebounds and rebounds of rebounds relationships 'til
finally realizing no one could measure up to Her no longer was
the effort made to find a substitute Her. I settled for a Walter Mitty
existence in daydreams and night dreams living the life that
could have been had I been Her caveman.
Waking, wet, covered not with the sweat of long ago passionate
love making, instead with my own spittle for like a many I drool in
my decrepit, old age. Also with cold fear gripping me, not that Her
name was no longer a part of me, it was right there in the front of
my mind beside the name used to tease Her.
No, fear was there because a new pastime occupies my days and
nights. Electronics makes following the lives of young entertainers
so easy, more private and intimate than fan magazines of the past.
These youngsters are well established professionals, keeping in mind
that they are young enough to be grandchildren, saves me from feeling
perverted and a stalker.
Have I been looking for evidence of Her in one of them? There are many, two
in particular; one that laughs, frolics - as She did and when she sings it is the
heavenly choir, the other has the face of a cherub - the closest to Her face as
I think She may have looked - her singing reaches into my mind, lodges there
making me repeat the words whenever my mind wanders.
Safe from me these two and others are for my sanity is intact and I know
reality never measures up to memories. Never will I search Her, not the
actual person nor in others.
The ramblings of an old mans mind are just that ramblings, not to
be taken seriously.